The Conflict Within – Romantic Relationships
Why Love Isn’t Enough Without Reciprocity, Communication, and Commitment
More Than Just Love
Love, while powerful, is not a strategy. It's the foundation, but not the framework. Lasting romantic relationships are built on three pillars: reciprocation, honest and effective communication, and commitment. Real commitment, that all-in kind of commitment, ride or die baby!
In one word?
Alignment.
Without it, even the strongest feelings eventually fray.
Alignment of thought, mission and destination.
Ask yourself: Are you prepared to work on your relationship?
When you have these three pillars in place, trust and intimacy become easier to build. When you’re aligned, it all just flows — and that is the true cornerstone of a healthy, sustainable and everlasting connection. That forever dream.
The Myth of “Love Will Fix Everything”
Popular culture idealises the notion that love alone is enough. But love without structure is like passion without purpose — it burns fast and fades.
I know, this makes love and romance seem less dreamy and more business-like. Breaking it down to its core components. But what if we all did this? Treated dating and love like a business decision? We make choices in all other spheres of our lives on the most likely to succeed and least risky. The fact is emotions… Love is fleeting and not a solid base on which to build a life long relationship.
But I get it, oftentimes people end up with people that like (love) them, rather than the people they would have chosen. Sometimes, it comes down to availability and timing. Thats why its called settling and its a real oddity of existence.
But, however you get there, any real relationship requires active work to stay there:
Reciprocation means not just giving, but allowing yourself to receive.
Communication means not just talking, but understanding.
Commitment means not just staying, but choosing each other again and again.
In the absence of one or any of these, love becomes strained — a weight rather than a force.
Unspoken Expectations are premeditated resentments
Many conflicts in romantic relationships stem not from what is said, but from what is assumed:
“If they loved me, they’d know what I need.”
“I’ve done so much — why haven’t they noticed?”
These unspoken expectations build hidden scorecards — quiet mental ledgers of who’s giving and who’s falling short. Over time, these scorecards replace intimacy with resentment.
Solution: Replace assumption with articulation.
Make your needs visible. Your partner is not a mind reader — clarity is an act of care.
Communication Styles that Erode Connection
Not all communication is connective.
Passive-aggression creates confusion.
Criticism activates defensiveness.
Silence masquerades as peace.
Attachment theory teaches us that our communication often reflects deeper needs — security, acceptance, autonomy. When these aren’t expressed directly, we fall into patterns of withdrawal or aggression.
What is your attachment style and how can you be a better communicator to both meet your partner’s needs but also for them to meet yours?
Strategy: Learn to speak in feelings and needs instead of blame.
Instead of: “You never make time for me.”
Try: “I feel unimportant when we don’t spend time together. I miss you.”
Commitment Isn’t Control
There’s a quiet conflict many couples face: the desire for commitment without the loss of freedom.
But commitment isn’t about possession — it’s about presence.
You don’t need to control someone to feel secure. Real intimacy requires both dedication and freedom. It’s the paradox of healthy love: the more freely it is given, the deeper it becomes.
What is the key?
Alignment.
All of this is easy if you both want the same things at the same time.
But if we are not the same person with the same upbringing and cultural nuances that play such a heavy part in an increasingly global world, then how can we always be aligned? Often, you were never aligned to begin with but because you were in “love”, those feelings of infatuation and lust trumped all rhyme or reason. But when the clouds clear, you realise that there was never alignment because the important and hard conversations never happened.
We avoid uncomfortable conversations to “keep the peace”. But peace is not the goal of the relationship. Love is. And we have the hard conversations in service of that love. You can predict the long term health of any relationship by whether each conflict makes the relationship stronger or weaker - communication is both the problem and the solution.
You are either working against the problem together (alignment) or you are working against each other (the opposite of alignment).
Reciprocation. Communication. Commitment.
Restoring Intimacy Through Conscious Effort
Intimacy fades when effort fades, trust erodes and resentment sets in.
Over time, routines replace romance, and connection becomes background noise. But emotional intimacy is like fitness — it requires ongoing investment. Ironically, robust bedroom workouts are considered to be the equivalent of a moderate intensity gym workout!
Small, daily acts of effort build trust:
A 15-minute daily check-in
Planning something your partner would love, just because - random acts of kindness and consideration
Offering presence without problem-solving
A daily hug and/or kiss
Don’t wait for intimacy to “feel right.” Create the conditions for it to grow.
The Relationship Health Triangle
Reciprocity
Communication
Commitment
Inside the triangle: Trust & Intimacy
When the three outer elements are strong, they support the foundation of trust and emotional closeness.
Reflection Prompt
Which of the three pillars—reciprocation, communication, commitment—feels most strained in your current or past relationship?
What would one small act of repair look like today?
References
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages
John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Next in the Series:
The Conflict Within – Identity & Purpose
Why modern life pulls us in a dozen directions and how to find clarity amid the chaos.