Existential Thought - Why Do We Seek Validation?

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."
Lao Tzu

If purpose gives life meaning, then why do so many of us spend our lives seeking validation from other people?

Why do we care so much about what others think?

Why do we feel hurt when we are rejected?

Why do likes, compliments, praise and recognition make us feel good?

And why do criticism, exclusion and disapproval hurt so much?

I have often wondered whether the need for validation is one of the most powerful forces driving human behaviour. I suspect all the social media platforms you belong to have figured it out far more than I’ve thought about it. It is interesting, for a time I did not use any social platforms and I quite enjoyed being absent. Then I realised that I wanted to achieve more recognition, more status and invariably more success - so I became active on instagram, facebook and linkedin (too old for tiktok and snapchat!)…

The question for me is, am I chasing validation or perhaps, and I’m hoping this is the right answer - am I using the tools at my disposal to build the life that I want? The famous saying is "If you're not paying for the product, you are the product."

What drives:

The careers we choose?

The cars we buy?

The clothes we wear?

The people we date?

The houses we live in?

The risks we take?

The dreams we pursue?

How much of it is really for us?

And how much of it is for other people, everyone else?

The Need To Belong

Perhaps we should not be too hard on ourselves.

The desire for validation is deeply human.

For most of human history, belonging to the tribe was not simply desirable, it was necessary for survival.

If the tribe rejected you, you died.

You had no protection.

No food.

No community.

No future.

Being accepted literally kept us alive.

One of my favourite sayings - “Animals that hunt and stay together, eat together. Animals found alone, get eaten”.

So perhaps our need for validation is not weakness.

Perhaps it is ancient programming.

Perhaps somewhere deep within us, rejection still feels like danger.

This may explain why criticism can feel so painful.

Why exclusion hurts.

Why being ignored can feel unbearable.

Because our brains are still operating on software written thousands of years ago.

The First Mirrors

Isn’t it funny that in life - your whole and entire life, you will go through it and never once truly see your face?

Only a reflection of it.

A reflection is an image or light wave that bounces off a smooth surface like a mirror or water. It is never 100% accurate. It is always slightly distorted or changed by the surface material, the angle of the light, and tiny bumps or flaws on the reflecting object. And yet this is the only way we can ever know what we look like… and what that is, is never 100% the same as how others looking directly at us see us.

Never mind the fact that their image of you is shaped by their own imperfect sight, projections and perception that forms their reality, the basis of which will directly govern their interaction with you. Insane right, especially given the amount of weight we give to external mirrors when internal reflections ought to do so much better if listened to.

Most of us first learn who we are through the eyes of others.

As children we look to our parents.

Teachers.

Friends.

Society.

We begin asking questions very early:

Am I good?

Am I clever?

Am I attractive?

Am I lovable?

Am I enough?

And unfortunately many of these questions are answered conditionally.

You are praised when you succeed.

Rewarded when you behave.

Celebrated when you achieve.

Slowly, we begin associating our worth with external responses.

We become dependent upon mirrors.

And if we are not careful or conscious, we spend the rest of our lives seeking them.

The Validation Economy

Modern society has weaponised validation.

Social media in particular has turned it into a currency.

Likes.

Followers.

Views.

Shares.

Comments.

Blue ticks.

Personal brands.

Influence.

For the first time in human history, we are able to receive immediate feedback from hundreds or thousands of people at the touch of a button.

And it is addictive.

Because every notification provides a tiny sense of approval.

A small hit of significance.

A reminder that we exist.

That we matter.

That we have been seen.

But there is a problem.

The more dependent we become on external validation, the more disconnected we become from ourselves.

The more we stop internally reflecting and listening to ourselves. The more we stop seeing who we really are. Instead we mould and merge into the digital image we create online and that can’t really be you - can it?

The Dangerous Question

"Do they like me?"

This question quietly governs many people's lives.

Do they approve?

Do they agree?

Do they think I am successful?

Do they think I am attractive?

Do they think I have made it?

The difficulty is that once we hand other people responsibility for our self-worth, we also hand them power over our happiness.

Because if their approval makes us feel good, then their disapproval can make us feel worthless.

And that is a dangerous way to live.

I never met Professor Jason Arday, but his story of struggle, triumph, acceptance, rejection and ultimately tragedy feels particularly relevant when thinking about validation.

Diagnosed with autism and global developmental delay as a child, Arday said he was non-verbal until the age of 11 and did not learn to read and write until 18. He went on to earn a PhD and, in 2023, became the youngest Black professor in the history of the University of Cambridge.

Think about that journey for a moment.

From a child who could not speak to a professor at one of the world's most prestigious universities.

Acceptance at the very highest level.

Validation, surely?

And then came something very different.

Arday became the subject of intense scrutiny concerning allegations around his academic work, qualifications and aspects of his public biography. There were legitimate questions that deserved proper investigation. Arday denied plagiarism, Cambridge began formal processes, and those processes had not reached their conclusion before his death.

But alongside those questions came an extraordinary level of public attention.

In his resignation statement, Arday spoke of the "relentless accusations, speculation and public commentary" and said that he had reached the limits of what any person could reasonably be expected to endure.

Days later, he was dead.

I do not know what caused Jason Arday's death, and I don't think any of us who did not know him intimately should pretend that we do.

But I do think his story forces us to confront something uncomfortable about validation.

What happens when the institutions, media and society that once celebrated you suddenly begin questioning you?

What happens when part of your identity has become attached to being accepted into a room, and suddenly you feel that room turning against you?

What happens when thousands of voices outside your life become louder than the handful of voices inside it that actually know you?

Those questions are bigger than Jason Arday. They are questions for all of us.

Success And Validation

I have met many successful people.

Some extraordinarily so.

And one thing I have noticed is that success does not necessarily remove the need for validation.

Sometimes it amplifies it.

The entrepreneur wants recognition.

The executive wants status.

The artist wants appreciation.

The writer wants readers.

The actor wants applause.

The wealthy person wants significance.

The truth is that many of us are not chasing money.

We are chasing what we believe money represents.

Respect.

Security.

Status.

Love.

Validation.

Perhaps this is why achievement can feel strangely empty once attained.

Because the applause eventually fades.

And then we are left asking ourselves:

What now?

The Fear Of Being Ordinary

I increasingly believe that one of humanity's greatest fears is not death.

It is insignificance.

Being forgotten.

Being average.

Living an ordinary life.

And so we strive.

We build.

We create.

We compete.

We seek recognition.

But perhaps we have misunderstood what it means to matter.

Perhaps significance is not measured by how many people know your name.

Perhaps it is measured by how deeply you impact the people who do.

Self-Validation

This may be one of the great lessons of adulthood.

At some point we have to become our own source of validation.

Because no amount of praise from the world can compensate for not liking ourselves.

And no amount of criticism from the world can destroy us if we genuinely know who we are.

This does not mean becoming arrogant.

Or believing we no longer need people.

Quite the opposite.

Human beings need connection.

We need love.

We need community.

But there is a difference between appreciating validation and depending on it.

One is healthy.

The other is a prison. The other is death.

The Freedom Of Authenticity

Perhaps one of the most liberating moments in life is realising that not everyone has to understand you.

Not everyone has to agree with you.

Not everyone has to like you.

You can spend your entire life trying to please everyone and still disappoint somebody.

So perhaps the better question is:

Am I living in alignment with my values?

Am I proud of who I am becoming?

Am I being authentic?

Because eventually, you realise something remarkable.

The people whose opinions matter most are usually not judging you nearly as much as you imagine.

And the people judging you the most are often people whose opinions should matter least because they know you the least.

Perhaps that is one of the saddest lessons I take from Jason Arday's story. The loudest opinions about us can come from people who know us the least.

Tens of thousands subsequently gathered in Trafalgar Square to remember him. His students, friends, colleagues and family spoke about the person they knew beyond the headlines.

It leaves me wondering whether we sometimes give strangers far too much authority over our reflection.

A Different Definition

Perhaps validation is not something we should seek or need.

Perhaps it is something we should appreciate when it comes but not require in order to feel complete.

Because the truth is:

You can be criticised and still be right.

You can be rejected and still be worthy.

You can be misunderstood and still be living your purpose.

You can fail and still have value.

Perhaps the greatest validation any of us can ever receive is this:

To wake up each morning and genuinely like the reflection looking back at us in the mirror.

To know that we have acted with integrity. At the very least, done the best that we could with the tools and resources at our disposal and we meant no harm because none of us are perfect.

To know that we have loved well.

To know that we have remained true to ourselves.

Because eventually, another question quietly emerges.

If we no longer need the approval of others to define our worth, to chart the course of our lives...

then what does it actually mean to live a successful life?

And perhaps that brings us back to the question we thought we had already answered.

What does it really mean to win?